today is an essay

Being that today is Friday, I'm confused as to why it still feels like Thursday.  I think my clock is off, which is something I will add to my official "off" list.  And yeah, I write a list of things that are off because it's more than I can count on both hands.  I'd be even more off if I never kept track of all the other off things ;)  Oh the confusion. 

Today I have a doctors appointment *sigh* ( I miss my Grandpa - the worlds best doctor.  He could diagnose you before you'd even told him what's wrong) the official appointment is with a nurse practitioner too.  So that's usually a bummer.  Doctors today are so busy that I feel like there's no real quality in healthcare... that's another discussion, which may not help the cause of my blunder for this TMI post.  

Sometimes I just have a lot of mixed-up feelings and nowhere to share those feelings.  Sure, sometimes I sit and type away in this blog space... I just usually never post these kinds of posts.  Something to do with the fact that I hate my handwriting and so sometimes this text box substitutes for a journal - thanks Micheal for ruining handwriting for everyone :)  I would rather not have people read these journalesque entries to begin with, actually I don't even like to read them... they're so directionless.  

Today's just a little bit different.  Alas, there is one thing that I'd like to share.  

I'm struggling to get pregnant.  

And, that thing... the little (-) sign, hurts.  Every time.  

So, it's been about a year.  I know, I'm a bit of a hypocrite with the recent anti-baby posts.  To be real I was just trying to cover up all the hurt with the "I'm not ready" business.  Because the truth is. I'm Ready!  I've probably been ready since I was a ten-year-old.  Then I went through this awesome feminist stage and really tried that identity for a few years and I sorta failed at it because secretly, staying home with babies all day long is much more fun than answering phones and typing up notes.  Anyway, I just really love babies and wanting one is hard to tell people and just sounds crass to me.  I want one of those please! Thank you.      

I think it's that one-year mark of officially trying that is killing me right now.  It just hurts when people ask in casual conversations, so when do you two plan to have kids.  I'm not mad at them for asking, because frankly I don't have much else going on in my own life to really talk about.  I just wish that this planning business would actually take.  And I haven't figured out a good enough answer (or lie rather) to that question.  It's like any answer is just a big cover-up because I always knew deep down that actually having a kid was not going to just happen for me like it does for everyone else...  I can't just wave a magic wand to make that sorta thing happen guys.    

I can't say I'm focusing on my career... because, I hate what I do.  Why would I put anymore focus into it than what I am already required to do.  Sure, I love the money but sitting in a chair all day without windows, privacy, and loads of paperwork to do... well, it blows.  School didn't work out either.  Although, I think that's actually a great thing that it didn't work out.  I really wanted to be a grad student, but I'm not sure I really knew what I wanted to do as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.  Yeah, that whole social work thing came so natural to me.  But lots of things come natural if you put in the effort.  I could do most of these jobs around my office really well (making lots more money), but does that really mean I'm in love with it? I'm just saying that I'm glad school didn't happen so quickly again.  It's really given me time to think about what I love. I look back at my college days and how I breezed through so quickly that I forgot how many other things I was interested in.  Interests that didn't involve work or money.   

Seeing my little sister graduate from high school yesterday has got me thinking about the possibilities she has in her near future.  She wants to do so many cool things and her potential is limitless.  I miss that limitlessness feeling.  I know I'm still able to do many things and that I've made all the right choices so far.  But a major problem I have is that I'm an analytical thinker.  Too much over-thinking especially when it comes to the cost vs. benefits.  This usually has me convinced to do nothing anymore, which is limiting entirely.  

As always with these entries I usually get off topic.  Wherever this post was going to begin with I'm not sure I know how to end it.  The only facts here are that I have an appointment today and I'm not super happy about it because I feel like I already know the outcome.  Maybe I could have been a nurse practitioner...  

I know one other thing for sure.  This little secret has been not only hard for me, but even harder for Spencer.  He has truly been my rock through all of this.  No matter how gross the details get or how sad and broken I feel, he is right there by my side.  He really has been the best decision I've ever made.  Through this trial or unfortunate chapter in our story, I know that really I've been the luckiest girl because I have a real best friend that knows my secrets and takes care of me through the pain.  How could I really ask for anything more than what I've got with him.  :)