everyone survived the weekend

I'm awesome when it comes to parenting

... psych.  

9:55 A.M., Friday morning 

Baby and I are home alone.  

I finally get the kid laying on his back to change his stinky diaper... and it was gross.  I was gagging because it was really green and liquidy - plus it smelled of mushrooms that Grandma fed him the night before.... ewww.   

a few seconds later... he will not stay still much longer nor will he stay on his back when there's so many other things to be doing besides getting your diaper changed.  

I have a small hill of wipes and a gross diaper - so, I decide get rid of it asap and run it to the outside garbage can 

 - WORST DECISION EVER - 

around 10:00 A.M. diaper is in the can

but I am.... 

LOCKED OUT... 

....locked out with a baby inside the house butt naked with access to just about everything he can reach

So... I'm trying to stay calm. 

Alright - I'm totally freaking out trying to decide the best way to break-in to the house.  

I try every door... nothing (I made Spence lock every single one of them the night before) 

That's a lot of doors my friends.  For some reason there are more than ten doors to the outside and every single one of them - LOCKED. all. by. trick. locks... what an investment.

I try lifting the garage doors... nothing. 

All I have in my pocket is a plastic zoo pass.  I was going to take the baby to the zoo after picking up Spence from school at 10:30...
I peek through the side front door to look at the clock.  10:05 now...
great... I'm supposed to be on my way to the U already.  

I try using the zoo pass on the locked door.

Doesn't really work on locks my parents have... or I'm just really terrible at imitating what I think one should do in order to break-in using a credit card. 

Ok, maybe I can teach the baby how to open the door.

I ring the bell and he comes running down to the door.

Great! Seriously the babe is smart because we have two front doors with two different bells and he came to the right door... what a smart kid.  

Now I just need to teach him how to twist the knob.  

I knock and point to the knob.  

Ok baby, open the door.  I know you can do it.  

He tries.  nothing... 

I keep pointing and talking really loud through the glass window part of the door.  

Come on baby you can open it.  Just twist.  

Still nothing, 

now he's upset.  He starts to cry -like scream cry.  

He is very independent and when he realizes that he cannot do things himself, he gets very upset.  

Oh great I look up at the clock... 10:15.  

I make a mad run to the main front door.  This one should be easier to open.  What was I thinking making him try the side door, I struggle opening that one sometimes.  

Again, I ring the bell.  He comes running to that door - still crying and butt naked.   

Again, I encourage him to open the door. 

You can do it, twist like this.  I show him my hands.  Come on baby, you can do it.  Open the door.

He is mad now.  just hanging on the knob... angry and crying because he can't open the door.

I start shoving the door.
Come on, let's do this together you hang on it and I will push.  

Nothing.... 

Great.  Which neighbor would be home right now... one that wont judge me for leaving a one-year-old naked by himself.... hmmm... I'll just break a window... 

I run to the back side door.  Our backyard faces another backyard.  This was unfortunate because, the backyard neighbor had some yard workers working really close to our fence.  I didn't want to make a big scene of me breaking into my parents house.  So, I casually walk around the yard - looking for a large rock.  Then I remember... when I lived here we hid a key under a statue.  So, I look.  Not under that one anymore but there are like 10 others placed at random throughout the yard.  

I look under all 10... nothing... 

I hear my phone going off... great.  

I hear the house phone going off... great.

It's probably 10:30 already... what do I do?  

I find the perfect flagstone rock: big enough, curved with a sharp edge, and small enough to not be noticed by the yard workers just across the fence.  

I hold, aim and release.  

loud noise... all for nothing. 

Not even a crack. 

I look around to see if anyone noticed it was me trying to break in.  I try again, really putting my body into it.  because I needed to do it fast if I didn't want the baby to know where I was breaking glass.  

Still nothing.  

Crap.  The yard workers noticed me.  

Awesome.  I run to the front of the house now.  

Ok, so... which neighbor. 

Steffensen's...hmmm

Holligsted's....ehh

Peterson's... yes!

  

I run over to the Peterson's house.  

I should have just gone to them to begin with. 

Kyle answers the door - he just rolled out of bed.  

Me: "Do you have a key to my house!?"
Kyle: "... Nope"

Me: "Can I use your phone"
Kyle: "... uh, sure."

Great, I walk into the kitchen... the whole family is home...  then the questions begin,

you don't have a key, 

you don't have the garage door opener,

you don't have a phone 

you left a baby in there... 

no, no, no and yes.  

I know. I get it.  I'm a terrible person!  Who does that?   

It's now 10:43 I remember looking down at the clock on the phone.

I call Spence to let him know why I didn't come get him and to ask if he would call Kimmie and tell her to come home immediately because I locked the baby inside and I cant get in... 

I hang up and Mr. Peterson asks if I'd like help breaking in.  

YES please!!!
 I've been unsuccessful so far... 

We walk back over when to my surprise there is Kimmie's garage door - OPEN.

She's home!!
I look at him and say I think I have a way in now.  

He waited for the ok, just to be sure that I made it in.

Kim looks at me and says:  "So, did you know Jimmy's walking around the house naked with the iPad?"

Me: "yes... I know and I don't want to talk about it."

Kim: "oh, hey Spence is calling my phone - wow, I missed some calls from him."

     Lessons:
1.  Don't leave me alone with a baby.
2.  Never speak of this to my parents. What they don't know doesn't hurt them... right?
OK, maybe I should tell them - in a few weeks.  
3.  Hide a key somewhere in my parents yard and don't tell them about it.
4.  Tell Spencer where I hid it - because, I will most likely forget - that's how good I am at hiding things.
5.  Look back on this one day and laugh about how I locked my baby brother indoors without any clothes on for a good hour or so -
6.  Don't feed the baby Mushroom soup that Grandma makes!